WHO Cares?!

Old building, Key West

Quotes of the month:

(Couldn't choose just one 

quote this month... 

so there are 4!)

When I accept me 

no one can reject me.

- Iyanla Vanzant

External power is

looking outside yourself for power and 

trying to manipulate and control 

the external world

so that one feels more powerful 

or more comfortable.

- Gary Zukav

Well I know it wasn't you who held me down

Heaven knows it wasn't you who set me free

So often times it happens 

that we live our lives in chains and 

we never even know we have the key.

- Eagles from "Already Gone"

People are far too involved in their own lives

to devote a lot of time thinking about what’s going on in yours.

- John Holland

I hate to be the one to tell you this.... but I want you to ask yourself WHO is it - - REALLY - - that cares!!!!  All of those things we spend so much time and energy on worrying about.... that all important question....

What will they think of me?

if I don't wear the right clothes,

drive the right car,

have the right job,

look the right way,

hang out with the right people,

date an attractive person,

cook a good meal,

have influential friends,

have smart kids,

know enough,

have enough,

am smart enough,

am enough,

have paint chipping off my building (as in the photo above....)

this list is really endless....... there are as many possibilities as there are people!

Yes, thankfully, there are those people who are benevolent, kind, caring, .......... sympathetic, empathetic, charitable.... etc. There are some people who care in a nice way. I am not talking about them today!

Think about it for a minute. How much time do YOU really spend thinking about the car, house, clothes, etc.... of other people?

Here is the thing that I would like you take away from this month's post. Yes, this is a bit of an over-generalization, but for the most part.....

People are not all that concerned with you! 

According to the John Holland quote above, people are too involved with their own lives.... their own issues, egos and problems.... to spend a lot of time being concerned with yours! 

Here is an exercise to try....

Think of the last time you may have bought something with the idea of impressing others or had concern over what other people thought about you.  Go through each of the following groups with this experience in mind.  

Group 1  Your close friends and family. These are the people that actually do care about you... but not really about your car or your clothes. For the most part they are happy when you are happy. They are sad when you are sad. That is another over generalization, but the point is that usually these people want to know how you are.... FOR REAL.... and think of what you must be feeling in a situation. These people want the best for you and love you just the way you are! 

So, you don't have to prove anything to Group 1.

Group 2  There is huge group of people you know but are not close to. Acquaintances. Maybe people from work or school. People that you see occasionally and chat to. Think... that list of 400 friends on Facebook.  Think of someone in this group...... think about what car they drive? Do you know what kind of car they drive?  Do you think more or less of them because of the car? 

NO! You don't care, right?  Aren't you too busy with work, family, your to-do list  ....and thinking about your own "stuff" to really care about their car? (If you find yourself saying that you do think about, judge and/or care... continue on, I'll address that below.)

So the point is that their car = whatever you are worried about (whatever you chose for this exercise.) They are too busy thinking about their car, job, significant other or whatever their issue happens to be to be that concerned about your dinner party, your house or your education level.

So, you don't have to prove anything to Group 2.

Group 3  Next is the rest of the world that you don't know.... the man selling produce on the street in Cambodia sure doesn't care if drive a nice car ... and you don't really care how many cabbages or bananas he sells, right? (yes, in an ideal world we do care, but no one person has the time or energy to have concern for every other person, individually, in the world.)

The point is that you don't have to prove anything to him or anyone else in Group 3.


So.......  I have a question for you.....


WHO is left?

If it is not your close friends and family.. and not your acquaintances... and not the rest of the people in the world... then who is left?

Who is the person that you need to prove it to?

Who is it that you are really concerned about?

Who is it that cares if you have the right job or education?

Who is left?

Who did you come up with? 

If you find that you do think about other people and their houses and cars, etc.... here is the key.  You think about it inside of your head, how does that affect them? (We are not talking about groups that form around hate, bigotry and violence here... just average people.) How does a (judgmental) thought inside of your head have any affect on someone outside of your head? I'll go so far as to say it negatively affects you more that it does them! (For additional reading see the post titled Judgments, Tiger Woods... and Anthony Weiner... and Rep. David Wu.... and You!)

So... the other way around..... if they think about you inside of their head.... how can it really affect you? The only way a thought in someone else's head can affect you is if you also buy into that thought and believe it too. In reality if you don't hold that thought in your own head, then you won't care what they think (For additional reading on this topic see the post titled Is the Sky Blue?)  ... so, IN REALITY ... it takes us back to the same place..... 


The only thought that really does matter is the one in YOUR head!

And what about tabloids and entertainment "news" shows? People do seem to have an obsession with stars and the gossip surrounding their lives. I believe that the general rule still applies. Maybe they live vicariously through the shows, like to see that others are worse off or see others get into more trouble than themselves (think Charlie Sheen or Lindsay Lohan) or like to judge others (refer back to the paragraph above or post on judgment.) All of these are basically rooted in how the person feels and thinks about themselves.

What is the common factor in all of the above examples?

YOU!!!!!

All that matters is what YOU think about yourself!!!!!!!!

So if you are feeling not smart enough, not attractive enough, like you are not driving the right car, clothes or home..... the only important thought is the one inside of your head! You are the only one that needs to care!

If you are looking to the world to make yourself feel better about some aspect of your life you are looking for what Gary Zukav refers to in the quote above as external power. When one's sense of self comes from what they do for a living, the clothes they wear, the car they drive, the neighborhood they live in..... that is external power. It is looking outside yourself for power and trying to manipulate and control the external world so that one feels more powerful or more comfortable.

External power can go away - you can lose a job, crash a car or lose your appearance through aging. So if your sense of who you are is tied to that job, that car, or how you look - - - when you lose the job, crash the car or start to get old - - - you won't know who you are. It is also ok to be beautiful, rich, drive a nice car or live in a nice house, the key component is tying your sense of self to those external things... or letting them define who you are.

From an interview with Star Jones, she says that at her heaviest, she tried to disguise her weight by increasing the size of her persona. "The hair, the lashes, the nails," she says. "This is the first time since I've been doing television that I've worn my natural nails, because I'm confident enough to not need big long acrylics." This is a subtle example of external power. Defining who she was and hiding behind hair and nails.

When your sense of who you are comes from inside yourself, that is Authentic Power, according to Gary Zukav. It cannot be lost like a set of keys. Zukav says the creation of authentic power is a process. Once you create it, it can never be taken away from you. Or to put it a different way, in the words of the Eagles above, we are the ones who hold the key!

As always, please leave your comments below by clicking the link below.

Until next month,

Keep it simple!

Penelope

Feeling Fear: Turn the Lions into House Cats!

Quote of the month:

The only thing we have to fear...

is fear itself.

- Franklin D. Roosevelt

In March, we used the idea of lions and tigers and bears.... [Oh my!] to describe our fears. Now let's talk about what to do with that fear. The truth is, most of us don't like to experience fear. When faced with the possibility of actually feeling fear, most of us have elaborate methods we use in order NOT to feel it!

Why?

As FDR stated in the quote above.... we are afraid of fear. The nebulous fear that we have is that if we allow fear to surface, we will not be able to handle it.

Honestly, this is the most difficult post I've attempted to write so far.... because the truth is, this topic is not that easy to make "simple." Yes, I am suggesting that we expend a lot of energy NOT actually feeling the fears we began uncovering in the Why Process (December 2008) and further looked into in the post on fear (March 2009). Now I am now suggesting that we do try to feel them! So, before you aim your mouse for that "X" on the top corner of the page to close this out, give me a few more lines..... or paragraphs, to explain why this might actually be a good idea.

The primary reason this is a good idea is that by feeling the fear, it is released.... gone! Over! Most of us, myself included, often resist feeling, which actually holds the energy of that feeling inside. Initially, this can make one feel tired, achy, uncomfortable, overwhelmed. Over time, I strongly believe that emotions that are not felt, can lead to more serious illness. This is NOT to say that it's not real or it's all in our heads, but rather what is in our heads can affect what is going on in our bodies. Our heads are connected to our bodies by more than our necks! There is an intricate system linking our brains and our bodies, wherein each thought we have releases various chemicals into our bodies. There are many people who can speak on this subject with much more detail than I can... but even with this simple bit of knowledge, it makes sense that what we think, what we feel AND what we think about what we feel : ) can influence the body physically.

To cut to the chase.... the most simple way is just to do it.... just allow oneself to fully feel it... and then - the feeling is gone.....and you will probably wonder why you waited so long! Most of us do not do that...... myself included!!!!!!! Most of us resist feeling!
You've probably heard the saying, what you resist, persists.... As long as you resist, the feeling is going to stick around and try to makes itself known. So let me give you some techniques.

There was an old Blue's Clues (cartoon) episode on frustration when my son was little.
The advice they gave was to:

1- STOP,
2 - breath and
3 - think.

You know how I like to keep it simple. This really is great advice... but let's expand on it just a bit!

The basic keys to feeling fear.... or any other emotion are:
(Note: Each of these could probably be it's own post, so consider this as an introduction.)

1 - STOP - interrupt whatever the habitual pattern is that we usually fall into in dealing with fear. This is to give you a gap of time between whatever it is that is triggering you and acting. [The gap is used to determine what is really going on and eventually determining the course of action, if any.]

Answer the question, how am I resisting?

There are a multitude of ways.... probably as many ways as there are people. A clue for you is if you begin to notice any type of repetitive behavior such as smoking, reaching for a drink, reaching for a piece of candy... or even more socially accepted methods such as shopping, or working too much.... or even things you may not realize..... like glazing over watching a TV show, playing a video game or going out dancing. (None of these things is "bad" in and of itself.... I am simply suggesting that if you do any of these repetitively, there may be something more there.)

The way to tell if you are using a certain behavior to resist or avoid is quite simple according to Gary Zukav. Simply refrain from doing the behavior.... and see how you feel... see what happens.... If you begin to feel uncomfortable, there is a good chance you are using that behavior to resist.

2 - Figure out what it is you are feeling. If you are not clear on what is causing your repetitive behavior (and this is quite normal!!!!) try revisiting the post on the Why Process. Get as specific as possible about the feeling... I call it, "getting under" what it seems like is on the surface and seeing what is really happening.... what you are really feeling. Another clue here is to try to move towards fear, like the teen with the scratch on his car, who appeared angry, but in reality was in fear about his social status.
Then -

3 - Remember an important point from My Stoke of Insight by Jill Bolte Taylor. An emotion only takes 90 seconds to physically move through your body... it is like a wave with a beginning, a crest and an end. Initially it washes over you, the way a wave does, but then also recedes, the way a wave does.

So grab your surfboard ....here are my suggestions for "riding the wave".....

• Repeat your True Colors Phrase (January 2009) to remind yourself that what you are feeling is not entirely true (this is similar to the idea I've mentioned previously of re-programming a computer, taping over an old tape or resynching the I-pod.)

Though this explanation is from a spiritual perspective, there is a scientific explanation as well. The brain has developed connections from repeated behavior. This can be likened to walking over and over on the same dirt path. After a while, a trench is formed. The trench can be more difficult to climb out of than stepping off the path earlier on... as more and more connections have now formed in the brain... but it is still quite possible to climb out of the trench. You do this by forming new connections in the brain. The True Colors Phrase is one of those new connections.

• Try to step out of the emotion the way Gary Zukav describes stepping out of a river (the emotion) and on to a bridge above so that you can both view it and are not swept away by it. Eckhart Tolle calls this consciousness or being in the "observer" mode.  This means to try to observe the emotion rather than "becoming" it.  For additional reading on this subject, see The Voice, 8/2009 and the Observer 9/2009. 

I have a name for it too. I call it "sitting with it." A way to think of it is as "allowing." It has to do with just "sitting with" the feeling and allowing it to pass through you or wash over you. Not fighting it, not resisting it... AND not acting on it in the way you typically might. For 90 seconds attempt to allow it pass through your body. Watch a clock if you have to. If you must, at the end of the 90 seconds, scream into a pillow, kick your mattress or punch a punching bag! I also suggest journaling afterwards, yoga, exercising, or meditation!
It is us (the ego) who spends the remainder of the time (and our energy) resisting the feeling in all sorts of ways as described above. Anything that takes longer than 90 seconds....lets you know there is resistance of some sort going on. But don't be hard on yourself, EVERYONE resists something...most of us many things!

• Let me add.... a final step
  BREATHE!!!!!! Part of the others but worth mentioning.

AS ALWAYS, I suggest starting with something simple....something that does not really create a great amount of fear. I am going to start with the example of someone getting in line in front of you in the "10 items or less" line with 16 items.....clearly more than they should have...

A quick why process...... maybe it is anger.... ask why does it make you angry?
It's not right?
It's not fair?
It's making you wait longer?
Why does that make you angry?
I always end up getting the short end of the stick.
Why does that upset you (vs. why it might upset me?)
It makes me feel unimportant.

A-HA! See, that is the real feeling! The fear! Outwardly, before, you might have rolled your eyes or looked at another person in line as if to say, "Can you believe this guy?" but now you know... it is really caused because you are feeling unimportant!!! (In my example, your reason may be different!)

Whatever YOUR particular reason....try just "sit with it." Use that extra time in line to actually feel the anger.... please DO NOT ACT..... just feel.... inside. No one else need know what is happening inside you.

A point I want to make very clear here is that lashing out at someone, becoming violent or abusive, yelling at someone.... these are ways people may typically think they feel their emotions. I want to clarify that these behaviors are a CHOICE one makes AFTER the feeling arises. It often happens SO rapidly that we do not feel it as separate or as a choice... but it is. I am suggesting STOPPING BEFORE that choice is made and experiencing the feeling fully. If you can do that, there will be no need to yell, etc. [I may have previously suggested mindfulness and meditation once or twice....ok maybe 6 or 8 times before..... to help with slowing this whole process down!!!!]

See if you feel something in your stomach (uneasy stomach), your chest (faster heart rate), your throat (tightening) or your face (hot, red, etc.) Breathe! This is the actual energy of the emotion moving through your body. Allow it to! Breathe! You will see that after it is finished.... IT IS GONE!

**NOTE - if this is a particularly difficult issue for you, please pick another one such as a traffic jam, a long line at the bank, someone cutting you off in traffic, bad weather....etc.... just something that is not your most difficult issue.....something little first that will pass through you much more easily and with much less resistance.]
I always suggest starting with those issues that don't "push your buttons" so to speak because this is like developing a muscle. You don't go out and run a marathon without training. This is like developing spiritual muscle. With that muscle...... you really can turn those lions and tigers....into house cats!

I would love to hear your feedback as well as any questions you may have or topics you may be interested in for the future. You may comment at the bottom at the blog where it says "comments." All posts will be archived on my blog along with other useful information at: Simply Spirituality or http://simplyspirituality.blogspot.com/

To continue reading next month's post on Intuition, click here.

Until next month....
Here's hoping you keep your spirituality simple!
Penelope

Picture of the month:

Puff the Housecat, FL, July 1998

You Can't Do It Wrong

Quote of the month:

God makes his rain to fall

on the just and the unjust alike.
God makes the sun to shine

on the good as well as the evil.

-Matthew 5:45

When was the last time someone told you that you could not do something "wrong"?

Before continuing on with the conversation about fear from last month.... I want to share an idea about "doing it wrong." I've heard from a number of people over the last few months that they think they are not doing this spirituality thing "right."

Believe it or not...... you really cannot do it wrong! Gary Zukav explains this as follows.... think of any situation in your life as though there are a series of doors in front of you. Each door represents a possible choice in the given situation. Each door has a given consequence. When you choose the door you choose the consequence. In each situation, there may be an "optimal" choice. Choosing this door will produce the greatest growth, but in no case is there a "wrong" door. In fact, Gary Zukav would go so far as to say that each is "perfect." Keep in mind that the universe does not judge, only you judge. So if you do A you get B, like in science.

It is the law of cause and effect or Newton's Third law:
Whenever a particle A exerts a force on another particle B, B simultaneously exerts a force on A with the same magnitude in the opposite direction....

or to keep it simple....

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

I like to use the example of the toy called Newton's Cradle.... Do you remember it? Here is a picture of it...

Pull one ball out and drop it - it hits the others, and then one ball goes out on the opposite side. If you pull 2 out, then 2 go out on the other side...... transfer of energy .... cause and effect.... Hopefully you've seen one and understand what I am saying.

So if you are happy with the effects/consequences you are getting...keep doing what you are doing. If there is an area of your life where you are not happy, experiment with your life and try something new! You will get results that you can then decide are satisfactory....or not! Follow? It is your choice, the Universe will simply deliver the results you choose to create.

Like all other universal laws, the law of cause and effect knows no prejudice and delivers in exact proportion the same to all, regardless of belief, age, gender, origin, or religion. Just as the quote from Matthew states above.

Unlike man made law, the law of cause and effect is inescapable and delivers back to you, the results of whatever you give to the universe, which is dependent only on whatever action or inaction you choose to take/or not take.

What a relief! Whatever you do will be perfect!!!!

I would love to hear your feedback as well as any questions you may have or topics you may be interested in for the future. You may comment at the bottom at the blog where it says "comments." All posts will be archived on my blog along with other useful information at: Simply Spirituality or http://simplyspirituality.blogspot.com/

To read the next post and take a mini-meditation, please click here. To continue reading next month's post on Feeling Fear: Turn the Lions into House Cats! Please click here.

Until next month....
Here's hoping you keep your spirituality simple!
Penelope

Picture of the month

Running in the Fountain...

Disney World, FL, September, 2002

What is Spirituality?

Quote of the month:

I have lived with several Zen masters -

all of them cats.

-Eckhart Tolle

When I started this blog, I promised myself that I would only post things that I know as Truth for myself and only write what comes from my heart. Often, I will wake up in the middle of the night with ideas about what to write....and I get up and jot them down. Other times, insights come after meditation. Though I have several ideas of what I want to write about next, many of you know that I recently started working again. It has not left as much time as I'd like to write or to meditate (though I still do at least some every day!)

This month, my thoughts about what I want to write are not as clear as I'd like them to be. So I have decided to borrow some material from a recent show on spirituality in which various guests discussed what spirituality meant to them. I wrote about what spirituality means to me in the Introduction to the first post of this blog. That definition continues to grow and change over time.

Below....several spiritual leaders explain what spirituality means to them. As you read each one, see if anything they say resonates with you. If so, it may be helpful to you on your own journey to look into what they have to say further. Happy trails.....

Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now and A New Earth, says that to be spiritual is to live in a state of openness. With that openness, a far greater power comes into your life. So to be spiritual is to be in touch, connected with that dimension of depth in yourself.

Eckhart says that you need to become more aware of the aliveness of this moment. The aliveness that is all around you no matter where you are. To become aware of that, you need to become a little bit more alert than you usually are. Increasingly, you become rooted in the aliveness and the fullness of the present moment. That's to lead a spiritual life.

Spiritual author and lecturer Marianne Williamson says that spirituality wakens when you become still and humble. There are forces inside you—forces of fear and limitation and chaos—and they live inside us saying, "You can't do that." Spirituality is where you lay claim to a ground of being within yourself where you say, "I want to be that. I really do. I want to be that person that I'm capable of being."

Marianne says that people aren't happy because of what they aren't giving. The most important thing is that we learn how to forgive each other and that we learn how to love each other. How to live in the spirit of blessing and not blame. The spiritual path doesn't mean always an easier path, but it means a choice. A choice that we're making to try our best to be as loving as we can be.

Michael Bernard Beckwith says that love, peace, harmony and wisdom are everlasting qualities. They're real and they're eternal, and so when an individual is connected to those qualities and begins to exude them and express them, at that moment, they're in the spirit. And when an individual is mature enough to express that on a regular basis, we can say that they're spiritually mature. Regardless of the temporary problems you may be experiencing,

Michael says that the connection to love, peace and harmony stays with you. That which carries you when you're going through tough times. By letting go of what we think life is supposed to be, we can find greater spirituality. As a matter of fact, all spiritual growth is really about letting go of something. It's not about gaining anything. That's what it means to be spiritual.

Elizabeth Lesser is a leading spiritual thinker and the co-founder of Omega Institute, an education center focused on wellness and spirituality. Elizabeth says that everyone has a spiritual side, but she says it can be hard to tap into that part of yourself. Spirituality is an instinct. We have our instincts to eat and sleep and work and survive and thrive, but we also have a spiritual instinct. When we talk about a "spiritual path," what we're talking about is already there inside us, this instinct that we are more than our mind and body. The path is just getting obstacles out of the way.

Elizabeth says that spirituality is often simply accepting where life takes you. We all can relate to the feeling that life is happening to us. We're in this stream of life, and instead of relaxing into it, we're swimming as hard as we can against the current. That's sort of the opposite of the spiritual instinct. The spiritual instinct is to relax into the mystery of life as it's happening.

Gary Zukav was not on the show that I mentioned above, but I wanted to include his ideas briefly since he has been such an influence on my own path. Gary uses the term Authentic Power to describe the alignment of the personality with the soul (aligning with harmony, cooperation, sharing, and reverence for Life). When someone lives in fear, the frightened parts of their personality are the parts that act (e.g., anger, jealousy, superiority, inferiority, vengefulness, etc.)

With awareness, in the present moment of all that you are feeling, moment-by-moment, one can learn to challenge these aspects of themselves, and move towards Love.

An authentically empowered personality has the characteristics of humbleness.. this means that one is free to love and to be who you are, with no artificial standards to live up to. Also clarity... which means one has the perception of wisdom and the ability to see the soul in action in the physical world. And forgiveness.... which means that one does not hold others responsible for their own experiences.... and love.... the energy of the soul. This includes gratitude, contentment, appreciation and awe.

To continue reading next month's post on Fear, click here.

I would love to hear your feedback as well as any questions you may have or topics you may be interested in for the future. You may comment at the bottom at the blog where it says "comments."

Until next month....Here's hoping you keep your spirituality simple!
Penelope

Photo of the month:

Flowers in Alexandria, VA, August 2001