There is a lot of talk about “trauma” these days. There are two types, “Big T” and “little t” trauma.
Big T trauma is easy to see. There has been an accident or abuse. Something BIG happened. It is defined as an experience that produces injury or pain. Some synonyms are ordeal, jolt or upheaval.
Other synonyms of trauma more closely describe little t, like disturbance, strain, upset or stress. Now we are getting closer to the little t experience. Maybe a sibling or classmate picked on you, maybe a parent or relative pushed you to succeed or follow in their footsteps. Think about your own little t experiences.
Does it have to be categorized as one of these two? I would suggest that trauma is NOT either big or small, but falls along more of a spectrum of experience. Labeling trauma as big or small somehow pigeon holes an expectation of what the experience “should” be. You suffered abuse, you “should” be messed up. Or, you had a “normal” childhood, so what's your problem? Moreover, where it lands on that spectrum, is subject to our personal interpretation of that experience.
For example, I have worked with someone who has given me permission to share a little about their story. This person suffered sexual abuse at the hands of her mother's boyfriend. It was just one time, when he was asked to babysit her, but it was overnight and they were alone. This person was trusted, but not completely. When the abuse happened, the young girl made up a story in her mind. The story explained that there was something wrong with him, that he had a problem. Very little about the incident was taken on, personally, by her identity. There is still some work to do, to remove the story that is there, but it did not result in what would have typically been considered to be a big T trauma.
In contrast, I see small t trauma as the “meat and potatoes” of trauma experiences in that they affect our lives very consistently and can almost go unnoticed. They often can “fly under the radar” so to speak or feel more like an annoyance than a problem. Returning to the spectrum, removes any expectation about what an experience “should” be. A person is free to experience their life, just as it is. Some examples of small t may come from being told what to believe, anger expressed by a parent, “the look” or the tone a parent uses.
How might this play out in every day life?
Let's imagine, for example, an overly critical parent. Maybe you did not dress the way they wanted you to or maybe they criticized how you did a household chore. Let's say this was a pattern of behavior. You did your best, but it was seen as not good enough or not right. You were bothered, tried harder, but to no avail. What happens?
Your mind will create a story to deal with this. Scott Kiloby calls this a “deficiency story.” It is a way to help you make sense of, and cope with your experience of the world. What would your story be in this situation?
When you are older, you work in an office. In general, you like your work, but one day the boss critiques something you have prepared. It's not “too bad.” It needs a few things changed. Then the boss begins to explain what needs to be corrected. What happens now? Imagine yourself in this situation for a moment. What do you do? There is no right or wrong answer.
For purposes of this example, what happen is the deficiency story is triggered. The person in this example then REACTS rather than RESPONDING. I have intentionally not defined the deficiency story in this example. I wonder if your mind made one up based on your own experience? Did it also formulate a reaction to the boss in this scenario? The more I work with different people, it is very clear that we each interpret our experience through the filter of our mind. This isn't a new idea, but what is new, is the nuance with which each of us do this. One person may lash out while another may silently seethe inside.
This is an example of how an unresolved trauma from somewhere in the middle of the spectrum, can affect us years later. Using Inquiry, specifically the @KilobyInquiries (KI), is one method used to unravel the stories we tell ourselves and release the associated trauma and energy that has been stored in our bodies. This allows us to respond from a more powerful, centered place. For more information, please go to Kiloby.com.
