Judgments, Tiger Woods.... and Anthony Weiner... and Rep. David Wu.... and You!

Photo of the Month:

One Human Family, Key West, 2007

Quote of the Month:
Let it run like water off

a duck's back.....

- Kathryn D.

My grandmother may not be the first person to say this quote above, but she is the one who taught it to me. It fits with this month's theme of judgment.

The original title of this post was Judgments, Tiger Woods and You!  Posted in March of 2010.. less than 18 months ago.  At that time, Tiger Woods was the latest in a long line of public figures such as John Edwards, David Letterman and Bill Clinton to fall from Grace because of their actions.  Reading these names today, we have probably forgotten the extent of the hoop-la and media circus surrounding these events because they have been replaced by Anthony Weiner, Eliot Spitzer and Rep. David Wu.  

At that time, the collective "we" was judging Tiger's actions.  The media and just about everyone in the world was judging "the apology." Was it sincere? Was it enough? Did it strike the right tone? I find this to be a waste of time... I'll share with you why I feel that way.

In each "judgment" there are two sides. There is the person being judged and the one doing the judging. In this post, I want to suggest that while neither may be a good place to be, the far more detrimental position is to be in the position of judging. Let me be clear here, that the harm I am referring to is the harm it causes to the one doing the judging, not the one being judged.

When someone judges you, it says SOMETHING about them and it says NOTHING about you. I know that this is something people say... but it really is true.

To illustrate this point, let's view this from the position of the person being judged. Think for a minute of a situation where you felt judged. We have all been there, probably repeatedly. Maybe your situation was not as public as Tiger Woods. Maybe you were judged for the clothes you wore to a particular event, the way you handled a situation, not doing "enough" for the PTA or a church event, or the words you used when speaking to someone. These are common, every day judgments that many of us make and many of us are the recipient of. Can you think of a time when you felt judged?

Now the next thing I want you to imagine, seems at first nearly unthinkable..... but there is great freedom if one can do it.

What if you just decided that it was OK for people to judge you and so said to the world, "Go ahead.... judge away!" For example.... I will allow people to judge me for wearing the wrong shoes to an event (as I do this regularly!) : )

Try to stop for a minute and imagine this situation....... What happens?

Has anything REALLY happened to you? Have you been diminished in any way? What is a judgment? It is a thought in someone else's head..... how can a thought in someone else's head REALLY effect you? Even if they verbalize the thought to another person.... and it becomes a thought in a second person's head...... what has happened to you?

NOTHING!!!!!

Think about it for a minute............ it is very freeing.

So now.... in my example Sue told Carol that my shoes were inappropriate for the situation. How does that effect me? What happens to me?

NOTHING!!!!!

I can hear some of you saying, "But it feels bad when someone judges you!" I want to suggest that the only way it can feel bad is if you jump on the bandwagon and agree with them. You then become the judger of yourself..... but be clear it is doing the actual judging that feels bad and not because you have been judged.

Follow? If you do not agree with them, you simply go on with your day!

It is the energy of judging that feels bad itself. We have not been taught this. Most of us feel like we need to accept someone else opinion. It is not really even conscious. We just do it.... if they think that about me, it must be true. This is not the case. We do not have to accept anyone else's opinion of ourselves.

Try telling the flower that you do not like its shade of yellow. Does the flower care? If someone says that they like the color blue and don't like the color red, all we know is their opinion. It does not carry any further meaning like "blue is good" or "red is bad." Do you think that "red" really cares what they think? We can be just like "red" in this example and let it "roll, like water off a duck's back," as my grandmother said.

See if you can follow this a step further.... when someone judges, THEY are the ones who have to live in the energy of judgement. This is where it says something about them and NOTHING about you. This is where the "damage" is done. This is where the negative feelings come from. This could be a whole other post, but think about a time when you judged someone else. How did you REALLY feel afterwards? Did it really make you feel good? Maybe for a moment as you felt "better" than them for a second or two, but that is trading a fleeting good feeling for a long term negative feeling.

I feel the need to clarify here that I am in no way giving anyone permission for bad, or even unkind behavior with this post. Additionally, unless someone has a mental or emotional illness (and we are not addressing that in this post) one KNOWS when they have done something "wrong." One does not need to be told by others that it was wrong I would suggest that when someone does exhibit "bad" behavior, it is a statement about how they are feeling about themselves.... for additional reading on this topic... try the post titled The Gift of Compassion!

I'll leave you with one more thought... as the photo above suggests and quoting Albert Einstein, "A human being is part of a whole, called by us the Universe.....  He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and affection for a few persons nearest us.  Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circles of compassion to embrace all living creatures.... "  We are all part of the same one human family.  A related topic for another day!    

As always I would love to hear your feedback as well as any questions you may have, or suggested topics for the future. You can do so by clicking the "comments" link at the end of the post.

Until next month,

Here's hoping you keep it simple,

Penelope

Compassionate Societies

Hi everyone!  A quick note to let you know that my December post on The Gift of Compassion was picked up on the Compassionate Societies Website.   You can also reach the site at: http://www.compassionatesocieties.org/


A special thank you to my friend, Clarissa for connecting me with this site.  Look for her posts on the site as well! 


Penelope  

The Gift of Compassion

Quote of the month:

Compassion is the ultimate and most meaningful embodiment 
of emotional maturity. 
It is through compassion that a person achieves 
the highest peak and deepest reach in his or her search for self-fulfillment.

- Arthur Jersild

It's that time of year again... the stores are busy.... everyone seems to be buying. 'Tis the season for gift-giving.  This year, in addition to the gifts we buy and wrap, I'd like to suggest some other simple gifts that do not require a box or paper.  Before anyone calls me Scrooge, I am not anti-gift-in-a-box...  my simple suggestion this month is to consider that there may be some other alternatives to store bought gifts for the holidays.  Some of the "gifts" we can offer to others include...  love, encouragement, joy and the gift of your time. 

The "gift" I want to focus on this month, is compassion.  The quote above suggests that compassion is the peak of emotional maturity and of self-fulfillment.  I won't suggest that it is always easy.... but the reward can be great. 

This also overlaps with two of The Four Agreements  - Agreement #2 - Don't take anything personally and agreement #3 - Don't make assumptions.

How does this look in real life?  Say you are in line at the check out in the store.  The clerk barely acknowledges you and only spouts the price when she is finished, tosses you the receipt and moves on to the next customer without so much as a thank you or a good bye. 


The typical person might first, make the assumption that they had done something that upset the clerk and then secondly, take that personally and think something like she did not like them.  They might think they had done something to anger her.... or for some reason, she decided to be mean to them.  Following Agreement #3.... we are told not to make these type of assumptions and then following Agreement #2.... we are told to not take any of it personally.  How can that be possible you say... it is directed at me... how can it not be personal?!  Would you be rude back?  Would you grab the receipt without a thank you?  Would you stomp off without any niceties? 

What if I then told you that the woman's husband just walked out on her and left her with 3 little kids to raise on her own.  Only the week before, she found out that she had developed a life threatening disease.  Would you feel a little bit differently?  Would you consider how someone going through all that might feel and that they might not be in the best mood? 

If so, you may be feeling compassion for her..... the dictionary defines it as..... a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

In real life terms... it simply means that you understand how she might feel.  What if, instead, you dug down deep, put your own hurt feelings aside and smiled at her and said, "Thank you!"  It doesn't cost you anything.  It doesn't hurt you in any way.... what if you are the only person who was nice to her that day... maybe partly her own doing.... but even so.... one smile, one nice person may make a difference to her.   AND it just might even make you feel GOOD!  

Compassion involves a 2-step process of sorts.  The first step is to step OUT of your own feeling about the situation.  The second step is to step IN to what the other person may be experiencing or feeling.  I'll briefly caution not to get lost IN their feeling but allow yourself to objectively understand or appreciate what the other person might be experiencing.  Ask yourself how you might feel in that situation.  How would you wish for someone to react to you or treat you in that situation?  

Very often we do not know the "back story" of the other person.  I will go so far as to say nearly ANYONE who is behaving "badly" (I'll define "badly" rather loosely here) is in some way feeling badly about themselves, feeling down or upset about something.  This includes your parents, your kids and especially your significant other!!!!!!!!!!!  How about giving the gift of compassion this year to those people who you are closest to?  You can get them a wrapped gift in a box too if you like.... but try experimenting with compassion now and then.... see how it works!  Maybe you will get a gift back as well! 

One last suggestion.... make sure to include yourself on the list of people to give compassion to!

I'll leave you with one last list of things that either don't need much money or don't have to go in a box.... this list is borrowed, with permission from Zen Habits...

• Do other things with family, such as caroling, baking, watching It’s a Wonderful Life, playing football outside. 
• Volunteer as a family at a homeless shelter.
• Ask people to donate to your favorite charity in lieu of gifts.
• Make meaningful gifts.
• Do a gift swap where you put a valued possession (that you already own) into the swap.
• Bake gifts.
• Have an experience instead of giving material goods: do something fun together, go to the beach or a lake.

As always, I'd love to hear your comments or questions.  You can comment or ask a question by clicking on the "comment" button below.

Have a happy holiday... and until next month.....

Keep it simple!

Penelope